Funny

New and Improv(is)ed – Another 10 Spiritual Gifts You Won’t Find in the Bible

by Andy Wood on April 18, 2012

in Spoofs

Bells are ringing, people singing, and joy reigns throughout the land!.  Once again the Spiritual Gifts Commissary (SGC) has convened and after much deliberation and consultation, they are prepared to introduce a fresh new batch of spiritual gifts you won’t find in the Bible.

A spiritual gift is an unusual ability not explained in terms of natural talents.  Through spiritual gifts, the Holy Spirit manifests the life and power of Christ through ordinary believers in extraordinary ways.  Different lists of them are found in 1 Corinthians 12, Romans 12, and Ephesians 4.

A few years ago George Barna reported that when asked what their spiritual gifts were, 21% of Evangelicals listed gifts that are not mentioned in the Bible.  I was intrigued with the possibilities, so I made up a list of my own.

Then last year, the SGC rolled out the 2011 edition.  Seriously, why limit yourself to the Bible when you may actually have the gift of complication, confusion, or criticism?

Based on observations of Christians’ behavior patterns world-wide, the SGC is proud to offer these 10 manifestations as the latest installment of spiritual gifts you won’t find in the Bible.  This many believers can’t be wrong.  Right?  Here they are in alphabetical order: [click to continue…]

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It’s a Prophecy Showdown!

by Andy Wood on December 28, 2011

in Spoofs

Ladieeeees and Gentlemen!  Boys and girls of all ages!  It’s the ultimate prophetic showdown since Elijah and the prophets of Baal!

And I’ve never been so nervous in all my life.

In that corner, at 3 years of age and weighing in at 35 pounds or so, from McKinney, Texas, it’s Laura Kate Wiley.

In this corner, at 53 years of age and weighing in at none-of-your-business, from Mobile, Alabama by way of Lubbock, Texas, it’s yours truly.

I come armed with a theological degree and lots of really useful ministry experience.  She comes armed with a Big Picture Story Bible and can sing from memory all four stanzas of “Joy to the World,” the Doxology, and another two dozen hymns and praise choruses.

But this throwdown isn’t about lyrics or words or theology.  It’s about boys and girls.  And what’s coming home from the hospital in July.

See, about a year or so ago I “prophesied” that all the rest of the grandchildren would be boys – and that it would take that many boys to keep up with the one her mom calls the Big Sasster.  So far… so good.

After Baby Cohen (boy) came Baby Shepherd.  Check. [click to continue…]

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I Think I Had a Prophetic Dream

by Andy Wood on November 2, 2011

in Exploring the Possibilities, Insight, Life Currency, LV Cycle

Do you think God still speaks to people through dreams?

He did in the Bible.

I know a lot of people who don’t think He does that anymore because we have the Bible now.  I know a lot of other people who say, “So what?  The Bible we have shows God speaking to people through dreams.  So if the Bible is inerrant, infallible and all that, why would it say that God gave people dreams back in the day if He’s not supposed to speak through dreams now?”

I gotta admit, that makes sense to me.  But I should hasten to say that not every dream comes from God.  One time I dreamed that I hauled off and slugged this British guy.  I know he was British because when he prepared to slug me back he said something really ugly in a very lovely British accent.

I don’t think that dream was from God.  Unless He was telling me to avoid hauling off and slugging guys from Great Britain.

But I have had dreams that I very much believe were prophetic.  Like this one.  And probably this one.

And I think I may have had another one last week.

I don’t know what you do with your possible alerts from the Almighty in your sleep, but I have sort of an ad hoc committee I run them by, just to test it out.  Think of it as my Prophetic Testers of Supposed Dreams team (PTSD for short).  [click to continue…]

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I’ve Gotta Get Out More

by Andy Wood on August 10, 2011

in Turning Points

For the last six years I have had the privilege of serving on the adjunct faculty of Regent University’s School of Undergraduate Studies.  When I started, Regent Undergrad was a simple two-year degree completion program, designed to help people complete a bachelor’s degree so they could attend the prestigious graduate program founded by Pat Robertson of The 700 Club and CBN fame.  But now RSU, as it’s called by insiders, is a four-year institution of its own.

And I hear they’re thinking about starting a golf and tennis team.  Woo hoo!

Anyway, one of the high points for me is the Fall Faculty Workshop, where they fly people in from wherever to attend a day or two of meetings for training, inspiration, coordination, and schmoozing.

Especially schmoozing.

Whatever my day job has been during the last seven early-Augusts, it has been a highlight since 2005 to return to the scene of my Ph.D. work, with its stunning campus, caring people, and fresh ideas.

Did I mention schmoozing?

With a lot of turnover, growth, and the ebb and flow so typical of a young, growing enterprise this is an annual opportunity to make connections.  And memories.  And yes, impressions.  Add to that the fact that this Coastal Alabama boy had not left drought-ridden Texas since Thanksgiving last year, and hadn’t seen rain in over six months – I was ready for a change of pace.  And, of course, to make an impression.

Well, maybe not like the impression I made at the DFW Airport. [click to continue…]

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Hanukkah Hams: Bodacious Broadcasting Edition

by Andy Wood on July 27, 2011

in Life Currency, Words

Live in 30 seconds.

Go Camera One.

Camera one.

Go Camera Two.

Camera two.

Cue Intro.

And five… four… three… two…

From around the world, across the nation, and up your street, we welcome you to another edition of…

(bup bup budup bup baaaaaah!)

Hanukkah Hams!

It’s been a while since our last edition, so for the uninitiated, let me catch you up.  A Hanukkah Ham is sort of like Candid Camera without the “candid” or the camera.  It’s a glorious celebration of people who later asked “What was I thinking?”  Hanukkah Hams are named after the Greenwich Village market who did this clever ad display.  And in the past we have explored drains on the brain such as airline travel, higher education, electricity, hunting laws, and Christmas.

Today we go live and on the air to the world of news, weather and sports broadcasting, where, as you probably know, anything can happen.

Live.

Like this: [click to continue…]

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Footprints in the Dog Water

by Andy Wood on June 1, 2011

in 100 Words, Five LV Laws, Photos, Principle of Legacy, Spoofs

(With humble apologies to the Mary Stevenson Estate)

One night I dreamed that I was dipping my feet in the dog’s water bowl

And walking the lonely journey across my patio,

Leaving wet footprints along the way.

Soon I noticed tiny little footprints appearing behind mine. [click to continue…]

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My Cake is Fallen and It Can’t Get Up!

by Andy Wood on May 24, 2011

in Half-baked Ideas

(Seven More Half-Baked Ideas I’m Working On)

 

“Bad news does not get better with age.”  -Eddie McBride

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What you don’t want to hear your discredited rapture-predicting biblical numerologist guru say:  “It has been a really tough weekend.”

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What you don’t want to hear your mechanic say:  “We’re fixing what we find as we go.  I’ll let you know…”

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What you don’t want to hear your husband/landlord/Ph.D.-in-anything-but-plumbing say:  “I can fix this.”

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What you don’t want to hear your plumber say:  ”Hmmm.  This isn’t good.” [click to continue…]

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Help Wanted: Heroes

by Andy Wood on May 10, 2011

in Conversations, Spoofs

“Thank you for calling TOPO Services International.  This is Brenda.”

“Hi, Brenda, this is Andy.  Have we spoken before?”

“Quite possibly, sir. I do get around.  And I have only been at TOPO for a couple of weeks.  Now how may I direct your call?”

“Let me talk to Human Resources.”

“I am sorry, sir, but everyone in that department is out to lunch this week.  I am taking their calls for them.  How may I help you?”

“I hear you’re taking applications for heroes.  I thought I’d check it out.”

“That is correct, sir.  We have permanent and temporary positions available.  Are you currently employed?”

“Well, sort of.  Would I have to relocate?”

“Not at all, sir.  That is what’s so wonderful about working with TOPO.  You can continue to do whatever it is you were doing.  We initiate the hero program in the comfort of your own lifestyle.  By the way, what is it you do?”

“I’m a professor, coach and consultant, and manage a couple of Christian nonprofit organizations.  And I used to be a pastor.”

“Excellent!  That has some real possibilities, especially now that you are no longer a pastor.  There are some questions I will have to ask, however.”

“Fire away.  But when you’re finished asking questions, I’ll still be a pastor at heart.”

“Of course, sir.  First question:  Are you a victim?” [click to continue…]

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Angel Food: Seven More Half-Baked Ideas I’m Working On

by Andy Wood on March 7, 2011

in Half-baked Ideas

Did you that Visine WILL clean out your nose if you squirt it in?  But neither Johnson & Johnson nor I recommend that you use it for that purpose.  (Don’t ask me how I know.)

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There are two ways to learn by experience – be amazing without realizing it, or be imperfect and realize it.  Either way, it helps to have someone else to help you do the realizing.  The word for that is, “teacher” or “mentor.”

If you’re amazing and know it, fine.  But that’s not learning.  If you’re imperfect and remain clueless about it, that’s not learning either, because you’re still, well, clueless.

The role of the teacher or mentor is to be a “realization specialist.”  Sometimes that means being a passionate encourager.  Sometimes it means being an honest critic.  Always, it means pointing toward excellence and inviting someone to join you on that journey.

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Be amazing in your grace.   [click to continue…]

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First Snow

by Andy Wood on February 3, 2011

in 100 Words, Life Currency, Love, Photos

Something charming about the word, “first.”

We remember first loves, first cars, first dates.

 

Sometimes we remember what others can’t – like first birthdays, first steps…

And yes, first snow.

 

The first experience of anything significant

Carries a unique mix of curiosity and delight… [click to continue…]

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