Help Wanted: Heroes

by Andy Wood on May 10, 2011

in Conversations, Spoofs

“Thank you for calling TOPO Services International.  This is Brenda.”

“Hi, Brenda, this is Andy.  Have we spoken before?”

“Quite possibly, sir. I do get around.  And I have only been at TOPO for a couple of weeks.  Now how may I direct your call?”

“Let me talk to Human Resources.”

“I am sorry, sir, but everyone in that department is out to lunch this week.  I am taking their calls for them.  How may I help you?”

“I hear you’re taking applications for heroes.  I thought I’d check it out.”

“That is correct, sir.  We have permanent and temporary positions available.  Are you currently employed?”

“Well, sort of.  Would I have to relocate?”

“Not at all, sir.  That is what’s so wonderful about working with TOPO.  You can continue to do whatever it is you were doing.  We initiate the hero program in the comfort of your own lifestyle.  By the way, what is it you do?”

“I’m a professor, coach and consultant, and manage a couple of Christian nonprofit organizations.  And I used to be a pastor.”

“Excellent!  That has some real possibilities, especially now that you are no longer a pastor.  There are some questions I will have to ask, however.”

“Fire away.  But when you’re finished asking questions, I’ll still be a pastor at heart.”

“Of course, sir.  First question:  Are you a victim?”

“A victim of what?”

“Of anything, sir.”

“Well, I am a left-handed American male living in a right-handed Japanese woman’s world.”

“Okay… um, let us just move on to the next section.  Do you beat your wife?”

“Excuse me?”

“Sorry, sir.  But we have to ask.”

“Only on Thursdays.  Just kiddin’, there, Brenda.  I guess if I do, I can’t be a hero.”

“Oh, yes sir!  You can still qualify as long as she does not wind up dead or on “Nancy Grace,” and if you are still involved in our hero program, of course.  How good are you on television?”

“Well, I’ve been on before, and people seemed to like it.”

“Splendid!  Have you ever set any athletic records, rescued any endangered people or animals, appeared on a reality television show, or been featured on a prime time news program or a YouTube video with more than a million hits?”

“Nope.  I’m just your basic preacher-turned-teacher.”

“Oh, yes.  You did say that.  Have you ever walked on water, won a Nobel Prize, healed the sick, raised a billion dollars in a week, or figured God would call you home if you didn’t?”


“Have you ever been arrested, lied about being a Navy S.E.A.L, plagiarized someone else’s writing, been caught lying on a resume, gambled on student grades in classes you taught, run for public office, gotten amnesia or been kidnapped by aliens – or anything else you could confess to the general public?”

“Why would I want to do that?”

“People love it, sir.  Many of our representatives were once quite the devil’s plaything.  But they came clean, wrote a book about it, made a lot of money, and now they are heroes again!”

“Fascinating.  I’ll keep that in mind when I run for office.”

“Great.  Just remember, sir.  Once you are elected to public office, you are on your own.  We canot help you there.  One more question, Dr. Wood.  Do you consider yourself politically correct, environmentally friendly, culturally sensitive, cholesterol-controlled, trans-fat-free, fashionably sound, religiously orthodox, and socially accepting?”

“Aw, let’s just forget it, Brenda.  I eat too much red meat.  I guess I’m just not the hero type.  But I do have one question for you.  Where’d you get the name, TOPO?”

“It stands for `Tide of Public Opinion.’  And at TOPO, we are rather proud of our record.  We believe we can make a hero out of anybody, as long as they are not perfect.”

“Not perfect?”

“Yes, sir.  That happened only once, and the results were not good.  Strangest thing… the Man never made a single mistake.”

“So what happened?”

“They crucified Him.”

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