Leading Individuals and Teams Through Conflict
Thomas Jefferson and James Madison were great friends. Throughout their near-lifelong friendship, as far as we know they never had a problem.
Never had a solution, either.
Friends? Yes. And boring.
Jefferson and John Adams? Boy, was that a different story. One looooong, near-lifelong debate. Fiery exchanges. Icy periods of silence. And one of the warmest, most profound collections of letters in history between these two icons, who died on the same day, 50 years to the day after the Declaration of Independence was signed.
Friends? Oh my, yes. They each had busts of the other in their homes. And Adams, not knowing his friend had already died, departed this life with these words: “Thomas Jefferson still survives.”
That said, let’s be honest. Few of us get up in the morning hoping to cross swords with friends. Or spouses. Or parents or kids or team members or employees or constituents or customers. (Dear Mark: Please call again soon – I promise I’ll be nicer on the recorded line for quality assurance purposes.) And yet the quality of your relationship is measured – not by the lack of conflict, but by how those conflicts are managed and solutions are forged.
(Dear Congress… Oh. Well. Never mind.)
Here’s how Thomas Gordon puts it: [click to continue…]
Does your team have what it takes to go the distance?
Something happens when people get together to forge a team. Unfortunately, that “something” isn’t always what you’re looking for. See if you recognize any of these teams from your experience:
Team Fritter. Talk about potential. It seems as though whenever they’re on the ropes, somehow the miraculous happens and they live to see another day. On the other hand, every time it seems they have the chance for that big breakthrough they flounder. Never fully realizing their potential, they choke every time they get ahead.
Team Glitter. This bunch has success written all over it. Smart, good-looking, and well-liked, things came fast and easy for Team Glitter. Too fast. And too easy. Before you know it, what appears to shimmer is anything but gold. And the team comes caving in under the load of its own scandal(s), greed, and dishonesty.
Team Bitter. Another story of lost potential, this team doesn’t have an integrity problem. It has an anger problem. A big anger problem. Sucked in by jealousy and dispirited by feelings of rejection or failure, this team sabotages its own enormous potential by holding onto the bitterness, anger, or mistrust. [click to continue…]
by Andy Wood on April 27, 2011
in Consumers, Enlarging Your Capacity, Five LV Laws, Life Currency, Love, LV Alter-egos, LV Cycle, Pleasers, Principle of Increase, Words
Frankford and 82nd. Sitting at the light. Laura Kate (age almost-3) and I have been on an adventure. And she is about to ask me a very important question. But first, a slight rewind…
“Laura Kate, first we’ll go to the grocery store. Then we’ll go by Grammy’s office and pick up some prizes she has for you.”
“That’s an awesome plan,” she says.
In between, she learns six (count ‘em) verses of an Easter song her uncle Joel and I wrote when he wasn’t much older than she is now. Which brings us to the traffic light near our house on the way home.
“Papa,” says the voice in the back seat. “Are you growed up?”
“What did you say?” I reply. “Am I growed up?”
“Yes,” she says, very seriously.
“Yeah,” I mutter. “I’m growed up.”
“Yay, Papa! You did it!”
Sometimes I wonder.
I wish it was that easy to claim maturity. Sometimes I think I’m still a kid when it comes to such things. And sometimes I feel, well, old. But there’s a difference between growing up and growing old. Peter Pan and his Lost Boys were only half right.
It’s OK to be a baby when you’re still a baby. But there comes a time when the word of God and the world of people come together to shout, “Grow up!” After addressing the Corinthians as a pack of carnal children, Paul writes to the Ephesians that “we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ” (Ephesians 4:15).
How do you measure your maturity? How do you know when you’re growing and when you’re floundering? Let me hasten to say that maturity isn’t found in big words or fat bank accounts, or your ability to make babies or get a job (although keeping a job may impress a few people).
In gauging your maturity level, I have found five things that act as measuring rods for progress. You are as mature as: [click to continue…]
Joey’s feeling pretty small today. That’s what happens when you’re supposed to have the right words to say and there are no right words for a family in needless grief and pain. So Joey just hangs there, offering the ministry of presence. Hoping to offer some kind of life or lift that will help. But who will lift the lifter, and remind Joey what it’s like to stand tall and strong again?
Joey needs a carrier.
Alicia would never admit this, but she’s a living example of a Proverbs 31 woman. Greatly admired, if not revered, she never seems to sleep, and lives pedal-to-metal most of the time. She gets more work done by lunchtime than girls half her age and boys of any age do all day. But behind the success and flair, Alicia hides an ugly secret: She’s exhausted, and nearing the point of just not caring anymore. And though she has a hard time admitting she can’t do it all, she, too, needs a carrier.
Joey and Alicia are real-life examples of somebody who’s near you, or who is you, right now…
- Tired, but no end or help in sight…
- Overwhelmed, but no clarity about what to hold onto and what to let go of…
- Weepy at times for no apparent reason, or for any little cause…
- Feeling abandoned or opposed against the tide of opinions, accusations, or criticism…
- Disappointed by those once trusted, confused in the very areas that once produced confidence …
- Surrounded by pain, yet seemingly helpless to do anything about it…
All these and more are the unmistakable signs of someone – maybe you – who is calling for a carrier, whether they know it or not. [click to continue…]
Constantly in motion, ever-aware, always alert both night and day, an unseen force is shaping your life in ways you can’t imagine.
Ever-learning.
Ever-revealing.
The algorithms behind this crawler make Google look, in comparison, like a nearsighted man searching for a haystack in a needle factory.
He sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake. But I’m not referring to the jolly old elf. I’m talking about the Ultimate Search Engine. But it’s not an “it” – it’s a Person. [click to continue…]
I have a friend who doesn’t do change well. I have another who aches for it. Strangely enough, they both find themselves routinely responding in the same ways.
Both are fiercely loyal, probably to a fault. They will cling to relationships, to institutions, even to ideas long past what most people would consider healthy or normal.
Both are very deliberate in the ways they go about making decisions – to the point that life sometimes barges in and makes the decision for them.
Both have dreams that seem to escape them while they wait for the circumstances to improve… which they never seem to do.
Interestingly enough, both are people of great faith. These are not casual Christians. They are heart-deep in a pursuit of God’s best for their lives.
They also have their differences. One pushes himself to grow, to stretch, to improve – only to find out the ladder he was climbing was leaning against a bombed out building. The other refuses to consider that if she keeps doing the same things, she’s likely to get the same results.
One will analyze a situation to death without ever taking action, then analyze what happened when the action took him. The other will react to situations on the basis of emotions, but typically they’re feelings of fear or regret.
Meanwhile, the winds of change just keep on howling. To one it feels like a blowing rain. To the other it feels like a mocking tormentor. [click to continue…]
Cohen is an expert crawler.
He can cross a room lickety-split on his hands and knees.
He’s an awful walker.
He’s learning. But why risk injury when he can get there safely on all fours?
His parents don’t treat his crawling ability as a special gift, however.
It’s just a skill that helps him until the greater abilities arrive.
Same goes for you and God. [click to continue…]
In the previous post, we explored the idea of Life Shapers – the people who help make you more than you naturally would be in specific areas. Some people influence you to be stronger, wiser, funnier or more committed to excellence. Others may influence you to be fearful, suspicious, negative, or angry – all by the ways they interact with you.
This may explain why you’re drawn to the friends you have. Maybe you like them, or maybe you like the person you are when you’re with them.
It may also suggest some people you need to avoid. What your Mama (and the Bible) told you about bad company rings true in many cases. But I’m not just talking about party animals or thieves. If they constantly leave you feeling shamed, rejected, angry or afraid, maybe it’s time to choose a new set of influences.
Quoting from the last post…
You are who you are largely because of the people who believe in you, have you in their hearts, and expect the best (or worst) from you. This may be a good time to say “thank you” to the ones who are building you up, and “good-bye” to the ones who tear you down.
And for those who still answer when you call or read what you write, maybe it’s time to wise up – and rise up – to the life-shaper you can be.
Bringing Out the Best in Others
Do you realize the potential you have to be a life shaper? You are just as much a potential influence on others as they are on you. And while your nonverbal communication is still much stronger, there are some intentional things you can do to bring out the best in others. [click to continue…]
Can we talk about The Elephant in the Room?
Most of the time we use the phrase to describe the unspoken but obvious thing between two or more people that no one is talking about. There’s a different elephant, however, that I want to explore.
It’s the one in your head.
I don’t know what yours is doing, but the elephant my head likes to dance. Badly.
The Elephant in Your Head is the one or two things that appear in every mental photo. The two or three things that interrupt – albeit silently – any patterns of forward thinking.
What do you do when you’re the elephant in the room? [click to continue…]
Make a list of the most important qualities needed for effective leadership, and let me hazard a guess as to what won’t be on it: Conversation.
Oh, I’m sure you’ll mention communication, but in most people’s imagination, this refers to the ability to move a crowd with speeches, lead a meeting with clarity, and/or write powerfully. And let me hasten to say, I’m for all three of those.
In each of these, a position holder is talking to people in other positions. And that has its place. But the best leaders have a secret weapon that “primes the pump” of their influence: they know how to engage their constituents in ongoing, life-shaping, direction-setting conversations.
They disarm by listening differently.
They empower by asking questions out of sincere curiosity.
They enflame the imagination by telling stories – theirs or somebody else’s.
They forge “joint ventures of the heart” by demonstrating understanding and an ability to be influenced themselves.
And they mobilize by sharing their vision interpersonally, with passion.
And all of this can be done in a few minutes at a time, standing at the water cooler, waiting for the “real” meeting to start, or riding on a bus to the company picnic. [click to continue…]
Thomas Jefferson and James Madison were great friends. Throughout their near-lifelong friendship, as far as we know they never had a problem.
