Hanukkah Hams – Ho Ho Whoa Edition

by Andy Wood on December 15, 2008

in Gamblers, LV Alter-egos, Spoofs

It was only a matter of time before something as festive and holy as Christmas brought out the fun side in all of us. And every year has its own version. Here’s a little Monday Christmas fun, Hanukkah Ham style:

Our friend Tim Hawkins, of Cletus Take the Reel fame, sends this Christmas Greeting. Click here then click on “The Christmas Puppy.”

Jacked-up Christmas Lyrics

A couple of weeks ago I was researching for a Christmas message titled “Jacked Up” about the crazy ideas and expectations people have around the holidays (you can hear it here: here).

I came across several web sites and blogs that talk about jacked-up lines in Christmas songs. Here are some of my favorites:

1. In 1964 the Beach Boys released a song called, “Christmas Comes This Time of Year.” That’s helpful! Deep, too. Sort of like saying, “Monday comes this time of week.”

2. Andy Williams, among others, is famous for the song, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” A line in that song says,

“There’ll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories….”

Whoa, there, AW. How many people do you know that tuck their little kids in bed on Christmas Eve and tell them tales of bleeding holly, haunted sleighs, or demon-possessed reindeer? Now go on to sleep kids! [click to continue…]

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Okay, all you fans of the amazing possibilities of humans left to their own ideas, it’s time for another edition of Hanukkah Hams!  In case you missed previous episodes, a Hanukkah Ham was named after this, uh, “creative” marketing idea last year.

With all the gloom, doom, and sleepless nights about the economy, I thought maybe we could use a little financial inspiration.

Couldn’t find any, so this is what you get instead…

One of the fundamental truths of the New Testament is that money is “coined personality.”  That is, people can see the “real you” in the ways you respond to and handle money.  If you’re generous with your finances, you’ll be generous with other parts of your life as well.  Same is true if you’re careless, stingy, unorganized, etc.  This raises some interesting questions about some or organizations.  If money is coined personality, we may have a few problems!

A couple of years ago, I walked into a local bank, started writing a check, and told the teller in my best deadpan voice that I needed $30 worth of Federal Reserve notes.  He actually asked another teller, “Do we have Federal Reserve notes here?”  “Ya mean, money?” she asked.

Last month a man in Warren, Michigan figured the best way to get a little extra cash for the holidays was to strong arm somebody and steal theirs. [click to continue…]

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LifeVesting is about creating a compelling future and leaving a legacy long after your life here is done.

How do you want to be remembered?  Here are a couple of ways I don’t recommend.  One is pretty funny – the other, painfully sad.

The Man Who Got Shot and Arrested for Robbing a Drug Store with a Caulking Gun

The Midland (Texas) Reporter-Telegram reported on August 15 that a 24-year-old man, John Wilkinson, of Big Spring, walked into a West Texas pharmacy carrying what looked like a gun wrapped in a dark cloth, and demanding Xanax and hydrocodine.

After getting the drugs from the drug store, Wilkinson tried to make his escape, but realized he had locked his keys in his running car in front of the store.  So he took off running on foot.

He was shot by police.

He’s not dead, though.

Just under arrest for suspicion of armed robbery after being treated for the gun shot.

Oh, and John’s weapon of choice?  A caulking gun.

Not sure what he would have done had the druggist challenged him.  I guess he would have waterproof-sealed him to death.

The World’s Most Honest Obit

The following obituary was posted a couple of weeks ago in the Napa/Sonoma Times Herald.  It was confirmed to be real here.  Brace yourself…. [click to continue…]

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(A Turning Point Story)

Pam was 15 and pregnant.  Somehow, in the wake of some poor choices, however, she made a good one.  Pam decided not to get an abortion, and a young man – an all-star outfielder in his high school – lives today because of that decision.  But Pam’s decision was costly, because her family didn’t approve.  Pam needed a place to go.  So at a time when our own children were four and two, Pregnant Pam came to live with us.

We helped arrange a private adoption, and the time came for Pam’s baby to be born.  Robin was committed to walking with Pam through all of this, so she stayed at the hospital with her, and I kept the little ones at home.  Having been through all of this together, the kids and I were excited about seeing Pam’s baby.  So we planned a little trek up to Medical Center East in Birmingham.

Being something of a hospital veteran, I decided on this Saturday to go in through the Emergency Room.  I herded my little brood through the waiting room, through the double doors, and into the elevator.  After a delightful visit, we reversed the process – into the elevator, back through the double doors, breezing through the ER waiting room.  The kids were walking ahead of me, self-assured and chattering away.  They marched through the exit doors and started down the sidewalk toward the car.

[click to continue…]

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The VOMOS Club

by Andy Wood on August 4, 2008

in 100 Words, Gamblers, LV Alter-egos


Some things should just be obvious.

Coffee cup contents are hot.

Sleeping pills may cause drowsiness.

People with peanut allergies shouldn’t open a bag or jar with the word “peanut” on it.

Microwave ovens aren’t designed to dry wet pets.

Silly Putty shouldn’t be used as ear plugs.

Unfortunately, what’s obvious to most, passes right by the VOMOS club (and we’ve all had a membership card in that one at some time).

And before you think somebody’s nuts for stating the obvious, remember, this is America.  We sue people here.  Shamelessly.  Once they dislodge the pointed fence from our colon.

(VOMOS – “Victim of my own stupidity”)

(Photo by  aikisenshi)

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Watch Them Woids!

by Andy Wood on July 21, 2008

in Life Currency, Words

Embarrassed Chimp 2Somewhere up in heaven, Aunt Ruth is probably hooting.  I know she would be if she were still around here.

Aunt Ruth (who was neither my aunt, nor was she named “Ruth”) used to love to catch preachers with their foot in their mouth; it was something of a hobby to her.  Nothing could penetrate her sometimes-sharp exterior and produce uncontrollable laughter like hearing that a prim and proper “man of God” had just said something stupid.  And she was cruel with it!  One little snafu from you-know-who, and I’d hear about it for weeks.  And between guffaws, as she would gasp for air, she’d always sound the same warning.  If I spelled it the way she said it, it would read like this:

“You gotta watch them woids!”

Rather than get offended, I played along.  We often entertained each other with stories we’d heard of other preachers.  Like the time a preacher friend of mine said three times in a sermon, “I’m praying that God would make our church a cesspool of His love! A cesspool of His grace!  A cesspool of his power!”

He was thinking artesian well.  But that’s not what his folks were smelling at the moment.

[click to continue…]

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Hanukkuh Hams – Ladies’ Room Edition

by Andy Wood on July 17, 2008

in 100 Words

Toilet Restroom Sign

Here’s what happens when “public servants” invade the local ladies’ room.

Hey, rules are rules…

Somewhere there is a bureaucrat, who takes us all for fools,

And has a bit of brainlessness interpreting the rules.

He thinks that women everywhere would certainly be blessed

To see their neighbor face-to-face when they sit down to “rest.”

This gives new meaning to the phrase we men think sounds so wrong:

“I’m going to the ladies’ room, you want to come along?”

So if Point Loma, California is your local town,

I’d tell them this is something that you won’t take sitting down!

(photo by  kinpatsu, taken inside an Ace Hardware Store in Point Loma, CA)

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Stupid ElectricChallenging times call for fresh, intelligent ideas!

You won’t find any here.

What you will find is the latest collection of Hanukkah Hams – episodes of brilliance on the Blooper Reel of Life.

The last edition focused on life behind the wheel.  This one’s dedicated to power.  Electric power.  Human power.  Kangaroo Power.  Hang on, there’s something for everybody.

Starting with this clever photographed solution to every man’s summertime dilemma – how to get your George Foreman Grill to work inside your above-ground swimming pool.  God forbid you have to actually step over the three-foot side and cook your burger on dry land.  Where’s the challenge in that?

[click to continue…]

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car-overload.jpgNobody gets anywhere without ideas. And nobody gets it right 100% of the time. So sometimes we take risks, try things, and hindsight tells us we were geniuses. Sometimes, things just don’t work. But sometimes we score a Hanukkah Ham – one of those choice decisions that qualify us for the Blooper Reel of Life.

This edition of Hanukkah Hams is devoted to life behind the wheel – the things you see, the things you say, and the things you do. Yeah, we’ve all been there. And it seemed like a good idea at the time.

A couple of weeks ago I got to my local teaching assignment at Wayland Baptist University a bit early, and proud to get a close parking place. Just before class was to start, one of the staff members comes in saying he couldn’t find the owner of “that truck.”

Has your sinkin’ heart ever told on you?

[click to continue…]

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Hanukkah HamSeth Godin shared this head-turning picture taken at a market in Greenwich Village. Here’s an idea sure to get somebody a promotion – Hanukkah ham! Seth’s comment: “Sometimes a little knowledge isn’t such a good thing.”

Where would we be without ideas? And where would the good ideas be without a few Hanukkah hams thrown in for good measure?, New Coke, Volkswagon’s “Thing” and ketchup-flavored potato chips come to mind. Seemed like good ideas to somebody at the time.

Years ago Mad Magazine did a list of ad slogans that never quite made it to TV. Things like: [click to continue…]

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