LV Alter-egos

Help! I Don’t Like My Pastor!

by Andy Wood on September 7, 2010

in Consumers, Conversations, LV Alter-egos, Spoofs

It’s a universal problem, I suppose.  In more than 30 years of church work, one of the most common refrains I have heard (and generated, I’m sure) is, “I don’t like my pastor.”

I’ve heard it from every conceivable angle.  Staff members who feel like they’re working for an isolated jerk.  Church members who miss – or are tired of – the old guy.  People who can’t stand the new guy.  Heck, I’ve even met pastors who didn’t like themselves.

Little did I know there is a counseling hotline available for people to call for advice or to vent their frustrations.  It’s called, appropriately enough, the “I Don’t Like My Pastor Hotline” – or “Idle Miff” for short.

Idle Miff is run by a guy named Big Al, who will only give his first name.  His only other known credential:  he was once a pastor himself.  Rumor has it that Big Al has a gift for cutting to the issue… and cutting to the quick if he has to.

And for the first time ever, Big Al has agreed to an exclusive interview.  Be amazed, friends.

Be amazed, too, that Big Al probably weighs about 130 pounds dripping wet.

It’s a busy day at Idle Miff, and Big Al, as always, is working the phones alone.  Mondays are always his busiest day, he says, “for obvious reasons.”  So we’ll just have to be OK to catch him between hotline calls.

Not a problem, says I.  It’ll be fun to see him in operation. [click to continue…]

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The Searching Heart of God

by Andy Wood on August 3, 2010

in Exploring the Possibilities, Five LV Laws, Hoarders, LV Alter-egos, LV Cycle, Principle of Eternity

How’s this for a welcome to a pastor’s study? 

NOTICE

The Pastor of Calvary Church Receives Sinners and Eats With Them.

Any Questions?

Now there’s a guy who’s either long on courage or short on brains!  But he knows his New Testament.  And if he does it in the right spirit, he also understands something about the searching heart of God.  

In answer to the question hanging on the pastor’s door, Jesus once told a story.  [click to continue…]

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PS2 – The Prodigal Son Sequel

by Andy Wood on July 12, 2010

in Five LV Laws, Gamblers, LV Alter-egos, Principle of Freedom, Tense Truths

(Here’s a parable that didn’t quite make it to the Bible.  It’s a follow-up to the story of the Prodigal Son.  In case you missed that first episode, you can find it by clicking here.)  

When last we heard from the Prodigal Son, his loving father, and his older brother, Dad was appealing to the older sibling to come join the party.

“All that I have is yours,” he was saying – which was technically true, since the younger brat had wasted all of his part of the inheritance.

By and by, life settled down.  The older brother continued to do well, and was admired by all for his performance.  The younger son got with the program – for the most part.  Occasionally his friends and family could see some of those old streaks of self-will-run-riot in him.  But for the most part, he lived in great gratitude for his father’s forgiveness and restoration. [click to continue…]

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Is That a Donkey on Your Back?

by Andy Wood on July 9, 2010

in Life Currency, LV Alter-egos, Pleasers, Words

An old fable passed down for generations (and doctored a little bit)…

An elderly man was traveling with a boy and a donkey.  As they walked through a village, the man was leading the donkey and the boy was walking behind.  The young people there said the old man was a fool for not riding, so to please them he climbed on the animal’s back.

When they came to the next village, the moms in the crowd said the old man was cruel to let the child walk while he enjoyed the ride.  To please them, he got off and set the boy on the donkey’s back and continued on his way.

In the third village, senior adults accused the child of being lazy for making the old man walk.  The suggestion was made that they both ride.  So the man climbed on and they set off again.

In the fourth village, the animal rights activists were indignant at the cruelty to the donkey because he was made to carry two people.

The frustrated man was last seen carrying the donkey down the road. [click to continue…]

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Are You a Fumaholic?

by Andy Wood on June 25, 2010

in Ability, Consumers, Five LV Laws, Insight, Life Currency, LV Alter-egos, Pleasers, Principle of Freedom

“I feel like a man with three dollars in my pocket. Maybe a quart in my tank. And what astounds me is how quickly I think about spending what little I have. I get a little bit back in my soul and I start thinking about advancing the Kingdom. People that need my help. I get a little bit of God back in my tank and I start thinking about who I need to pray for.  Lord have mercy” (John Eldridge)

+++++++

Hi, I’m Andy, and I’m a fumaholic.

(All:  “Hi Andy!”)

I’m really glad to be here tonight to share my experience, strength and hope with you. The First Step says that “we admitted we were powerless over our fumaholism, and that our lives had become unmanageable.”  So tonight I thought I would share how my life got to that place.

I’d like to start with a couple of confessions… that is okay in a place like this, isn’t it?

(Room erupts with raucous laughter) [click to continue…]

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Where Do You Turn for Validation?

by Andy Wood on June 1, 2010

in Esteem, Following Your Passion, Life Currency, LV Alter-egos, LV Cycle, Pleasers

Imagine for a minute that you’re five years old.  You have taken your crayons and, on your own initiative, made a card for your grandparents.  No special occasion… just an “I love you” message of your own design. 

Hopefully you are motivated by a simple desire to express love to your grandparents.  At the same time, even at age five, you probably also assume that your parents, teacher(s) or somebody will also be proud of you. 

Praise you.

Approve of you.

The big word for that:  validated.  And it feels good.

But what if you got something else in return?  [click to continue…]

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The Party

by Andy Wood on May 8, 2010

in Esteem, Gamblers, Life Currency, LV Alter-egos, LV Cycle, Waiting

There’s a reason you wouldn’t name your precious baby boy “Herod.”  He made Judas look like a choirboy, and Peter look like, uh, the Pope.

Herod Antipas was the kind of guy who would torture your cat for no apparent reason.  A thug and a bully, Herod was a manipulator and would betray his own family if it meant getting more power.  The only thing sacred to this man was whatever he wanted in the moment.

Herod’s first wife was an Arabian princess.  No joke.  Can you imagine a more romantic idea for a lifetime companion in the Middle East?  Apparently Herod could.  [click to continue…]

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Your Most Precious Possession

by Andy Wood on April 28, 2010

in Five LV Laws, Gamblers, LV Alter-egos, LV Cycle, Principle of Legacy, Protecting Your Investment

Think fast.  Salvation aside, if you were to lose everything you own – visible and invisible – what would be the most costly to replace?  Your house?  Your land?  Your health?  Your friendships?  Your family?  Your valuable antiques? 

Tough question, isn’t it?  But it’s an important one.  After all, we spend a great deal of time and money protecting ourselves against possible losses.  That’s what the insurance industry is all about.  And just as insurance underwriters have a system for determining “replacement value,” we also need a clear sense of what is most valuable.  The Bible gives us some direction for that in Proverbs 22:1:

“A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches,

Loving favor rather than silver and gold.”

Your most irreplaceable possession cannot be bought or sold.  It isn’t a commodity – like family or health – that can be earned or borrowed.  Your most precious possession is your integrity.  Your good name!

I can hear some of your brains now.  “Oh, THAT!  Yeah, I guess so.”  

But think about it. [click to continue…]

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Choosing Your Mistakes: Something I Need to Say Before I Die

by Andy Wood on April 22, 2010

in Five LV Laws, Hoarders, Life Currency, Love, LV Alter-egos, Pleasers, Principle of Legacy, Tense Truths, Time

In the course of this short year so far, I have been reminded suddenly, and sometimes rudely, how short life can be, and how there are no guarantees of the things or people we tend to take for granted in this world.

I have also been reminded that life is filled with the potential to make mistakes.  Sometimes those mistakes arise out of misguided values.  Sometimes out of boneheaded stubbornness.  Sometimes mistakes arise out of good things taken too far in self-serving directions.  Often those mistakes come when we lose our sense of balance.

I’ve thought a lot lately about how short life is, and frankly, sometimes how much shorter that I wish it could be.  Hillsong United’s “Soon” sure sounds appealing: [click to continue…]

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From Shame to Grace

by Andy Wood on April 16, 2010

in Esteem, Five LV Laws, Life Currency, LV Alter-egos, Pleasers, Principle of Freedom

And you will be called priests of the Lord, you will be named ministers of our God.

You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast.

Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion,

and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance;

and so they will inherit a double portion in their land,

and everlasting joy will be theirs (Isaiah 61:6-7, NIV).

It’s a scary journey, the move from shame to grace.  But it’s a journey every growing believer in Christ, every recovering addict, every healing soul must take.  The paths are often unfamiliar.  Lessons must be un-learned and relearned.  You will be forced to face down familiar, but largely unchallenged beliefs.

People who live in the realm of shame live in a world the Brennan Manning describes as “huffing and puffing to impress God.”

It’s a realm of performance.  Brownie points or self-condemnation.  Self-fixing mixed with wallowing in guilt.  Comparing ourselves to others in order to feel superior… or to prove what an absolute joke we are.  “You’re nothing,” shame whispers.  “And if people really knew you, they would agree.”

As much of a liar as shame is, sometimes it’s more comfortable to return to old patterns of thinking and feeling.  It’s embarrassing and uncomfortable to confront the truths of the scandalous grace of God.

“I am a creation of infinite worth?” Ridiculous.

“I am totally forgiven?” What do you mean, “totally?”

“I am completely loved, fully pleasing?” In what universe?  What absurd fantasy?

Challenge that!  Confess the truth, whether it lines up with your feelings or the twisted logic of shame or not.  And most of all, learn to accept the grace of God as it is expressed through the graciousness of others.

The secret is gratitude.  When a friend encourages you, when someone offers a gift, when another praises you, receive it with the same graciousness in which it was offered.

Try this for practice: [click to continue…]

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