Funny

Ten MORE Spiritual Gifts You Won’t Find in the Bible

by Andy Wood on February 2, 2011

in Ability, Consumers, Life Currency, LV Alter-egos, Photos, Spoofs

A couple of years ago I played around with the idea that maybe there are spiritual gifts – those unusual abilities that are so beyond-the-natural they had to come from the Holy Spirit – that aren’t mentioned in the Bible. The possibilities included gifts such as the gift of dogs, cough, receiving, and criticism.  You can find the whole list here.   

Good news, friends!  The SGC (that’s Spiritual Gifts Commissary for you uninitiated) has announced a fresh, lively shipment of new models for 2011.  I feel most certain you know at least one person with each of these. And who knows?  Your search for understanding of your own supernatural endowments just may end right here. 

Here in no certain order (except alphabetical), are ten MORE spiritual gifts you won’t find in the Bible… but maybe-just-maybe, when the Spirit (or something) is moving, you’ll see these manifestations: [click to continue…]

{ Comments on this entry are closed }

Bobo Brown Saves Thanksgiving

by Andy Wood on November 22, 2010

in Insight, Spoofs

If you know my oldest-by-five-minutes daughter at all, you will eventually have the ex-Thanksgiving Conversation (XTC for short).  Carrie’s growing frustration is that in the rush to jump from Halloween to Christmas, the world has turned on Thanksgiving 

If you decide to hang your holly before you’ve baked your turkey, it may be a good idea to keep it to yourself.  Otherwise, if “Baby A” finds out about it, you may get The Look.  Or worse, execution-by-XTC.

So when we caravanned from Texas to Alabama this weekend for Thanksgiving, to Carrie, it was all about giving thanks.  And when we attended the Baptist church in Millry Sunday morning, Carrie became a shouting Baptist when Brother Billy talked about Thanksgiving being the Forgotten Holiday.

“Amen!  It’s about time!” she shouted.

Yes, I mean shouted (though she may take issue with my choice of terms).

Still a bit edgy and armed for early-Christmas bear, this led to more conversation.  How can we teach people to value Thanksgiving?  How can we turn the tide of obscene Christmas shopping, at least until the cranberry sauce is back in the fridge?  What can we do to capture the true meaning of what may be America’s most important holiday?

Deep stuff, friends.  Insight needed beyond my little pea brain.  This calls for the wisdom of Solomon, the intelligence of Einstein, and the people skills of Bill Clinton. 

“You’re in luck,” I proclaimed to the fam.  “It’s time to go over the river and through the woods!”

“But we’re already at Grandmother’s house,” said Cassie.

“Different river, different woods!” I exclaimed triumphantly.  “It’s time you met Bobo Brown.”  [click to continue…]

{ Comments on this entry are closed }

The Squirrel Who Walked on Water

by Andy Wood on November 3, 2010

in Uncategorized

The audio is a bit thin, but worth it…

Me: One day Jesus’ disciples got into a big boat.  And they began to go across the… water.  Can you say “water?”

Laura Kate:  Water

Me: When all of a sudden, the wind began to blow… whooohhhhhh.

LK: What’s that?

Me: It’s the wind blowing.  And the rain began to fall… whishhhhhhhhhhh.  And the thunder started to roll… plwwwwwwww. And the boat began to rock!  And the disciples were so…

(I’ll let LK take it from here…) [click to continue…]

{ Comments on this entry are closed }

Lost in Translation

by Andy Wood on October 25, 2010

in Spoofs

What the Founding Fathers said to the lawyers:

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

What the Lawyers said to the Judges: [click to continue…]

{ Comments on this entry are closed }

Help! I Don’t Like My Pastor!

by Andy Wood on September 7, 2010

in Consumers, Conversations, LV Alter-egos, Spoofs

It’s a universal problem, I suppose.  In more than 30 years of church work, one of the most common refrains I have heard (and generated, I’m sure) is, “I don’t like my pastor.”

I’ve heard it from every conceivable angle.  Staff members who feel like they’re working for an isolated jerk.  Church members who miss – or are tired of – the old guy.  People who can’t stand the new guy.  Heck, I’ve even met pastors who didn’t like themselves.

Little did I know there is a counseling hotline available for people to call for advice or to vent their frustrations.  It’s called, appropriately enough, the “I Don’t Like My Pastor Hotline” – or “Idle Miff” for short.

Idle Miff is run by a guy named Big Al, who will only give his first name.  His only other known credential:  he was once a pastor himself.  Rumor has it that Big Al has a gift for cutting to the issue… and cutting to the quick if he has to.

And for the first time ever, Big Al has agreed to an exclusive interview.  Be amazed, friends.

Be amazed, too, that Big Al probably weighs about 130 pounds dripping wet.

It’s a busy day at Idle Miff, and Big Al, as always, is working the phones alone.  Mondays are always his busiest day, he says, “for obvious reasons.”  So we’ll just have to be OK to catch him between hotline calls.

Not a problem, says I.  It’ll be fun to see him in operation. [click to continue…]

{ Comments on this entry are closed }

12 Lessons Learned from the Latest Road Trip

by Andy Wood on June 21, 2010

in Uncategorized

Corie, Carrie, Cassie, and Kara on the Charles Bridge in Prague, 2005. All were back together again for Kara's wedding this weekend in Ft. Worth.

1.  Yes indeed, a washer and dryer will fit inside a conversion van if you take the middle seats out. 

2.  Driving said conversion van automatically lowers your driver’s IQ by about 30 points.

3.  Apparently I was right at home; Dallas/Ft. Worth was the host to an Idiot Drivers Convention this weekend.

4.  If a nighttime idiot driver in DFW makes you mad, it’s probably not a good idea to get behind him and turn on your bright lights.

5.  If you make a nighttime idiot driver in DFW mad by turning on your bright lights in his mirror, and he decides to retaliate… for 15 minutes… it’s probably best just to declare him the winner. [click to continue…]

{ Comments on this entry are closed }

Flour Power: Seven More Half-Baked Ideas I’m Still Working On

by Andy Wood on May 28, 2010

in Half-baked Ideas

Here are seven more random things I’ve had in my oven lately.  Did I mention it’s really random?

Why is it that some people can believe the gospel or trust God simply and quickly, and others require more… either convincing or extended confession?  It’s all about what it takes to activate their faith.

+++++++

First sign your wife may not be ready to give a statement at the accident scene:  When asked by the EMT if she knew who the president was, she said, “Osama bin Laden… No… Wait… That’s not right… I don’t remember – I just know I don’t like him.”  (She’s doing fine now.) [click to continue…]

{ Comments on this entry are closed }

Hanukkah Hams: Brain Drain on the Plane Edition

by Andy Wood on May 26, 2010

in Uncategorized

Raise those tray tables, buckle that seat belt (that you wouldn’t have known how to do without that handy demonstration), and turn off that portable electronic device!  Hanukkah Hams is taking off again. 

In case you missed any of the previous editions, a Hannukah Ham is an episode of brilliance in the blooper reel of life – leaving us all to ask… “What were they thinking?”

In celebration of the fact that tomorrow I’ll be enjoying that living enema called commercial airline travel (flying to ‘Bama for a week), this edition of Hanukkah Hams takes you past the ticket agents, through security, by the food court, and into the pressurized metal tube.

The problem, friends, is NOT a shortage of material. [click to continue…]

{ Comments on this entry are closed }

Growtivation: How to Design the Perfect Worship Service, Every Single Sunday

by Andy Wood on May 20, 2010

in 100 Words, Spoofs

If you’re in church leadership, you know the challenge of weekly developing an experience that’s creative, energetic, uplifting, anointed (gotta be anointed), and most important of all – as cool as the church down the street.

It’s a daunting task.

Fortunately, the folks at Northpoint in Atlanta have produced a resource that will change your life and revolutionize your church.

Or at least give you a laugh, as they spoof themselves.

Check out the video below, follow the easy-to-understand template, and you’ll be renting your city auditorium in no-time, just to keep up with the masses who are flooding in.

{ Comments on this entry are closed }

You Want Me to WHAT?

by Andy Wood on April 14, 2010

in 100 Words

Dear Nurse Ratched, 

I just thought I should let you know that in the event I’m having symptoms of a heart attack or stroke, I probably won’t be signing in. 

I’ll be more concerned about checking out.

Of course, the whole stroke thingy is a bit dicey anyway, ‘cause I have a 50/50 chance of being unable to use my left (writing) hand.

And if I think I’m having a heart attack, I’ll assure you, you won’t be able to read my writing. 

You’ll just have to open the door and say,

“Mr. AAAAAAHHHHHHHH, the doctor will see you now.”

(Photo by Mike Tekula)

{ Comments on this entry are closed }

← Previous Entries

Next Entries →