Okay, you students of all things gloriously stupid! Time for another round of Hanukkah Hams. In case you’ve missed previous episodes, a Hanukkah Ham is a reminder of what can happen when unlicensed people are left free to drive an imagination without supervision.
What better place to discover colossal displays of “what-were-you-thinking” than in the hallowed halls of academia? I once had a college professor that said, “College is the only place where people don’t want to get their money’s worth.” See if these true stories, drawn from the actual testimonies of college professors, don’t restore your hope in the future of America.
Remember, friends – these people will be managing your nursing home. Or running your country.
These are actual letters or emails sent to professors, as reported in the Chronicle of Higher Education Forums. The comments are mine, after picking myself up off the floor.
1. “I just did not expect the first test to be that hard. I did not even buy the book, so I hadn’t read the chapters. I guess I am just trying to explain why I have gotten off on the wrong foot.”
Oh, thank you so much. Otherwise I would have just thought you’d gotten off on the wrong planet.
2. “I do not like math much at all…. I am a liberal arts type of person. 😉 But I have been a 4.0 what do I have to do to get a “A” or “B” in your class?”
Here’s a thought: Study. Do well on your exams. And since this is a math class, one more thing… if you make a “B” in my class, you may have an itty bitty problem with that 4.0.
3. “About the midterm, I haven’t read the last couple of books, can I just read your notes and be o k?”
With your girlfriend maybe.
4. (From an acting class): “I do not like the script approach used in the book. So I did not do the assignment you gave. This is how I have always do script and character work and I decided to turn it in instead. Do you use the same method in acting 2? I think you must not be familiar with the approach we learned in High School. It is much better. You should study it. You will find it is better.”
Wow. Thank you so much for giving me such sage advice. Maybe instead of all that time doing postgraduate work, I should have hung out with you in high school. In the meantime, just disregard any assignments in the future that violate your preferences. I’d hate to interfere.
5. I have a question about the [assignment that is due on Friday, for which weekly reminders have been given and instructions available since the beginning of the semester]. What exactly what are we supposed to be doing??? Please let me know as soon as possible
You are supposed to be saving tuition money so you can repeat this class next semester.
6. As you may know I’m an athlete here and I didn’t do well on my first test. Depending on the second test is going to be whether or not I play this weekend. So I was wondering if you could finish grading my test by tomorrow and email myself or my coach, it would be greatly appreciated.
I think I can actually give you that grade right now…
7. I definitely read my schedule wrong and didn’t realize I had [your class] tomorrow morning. I had already signed up to go sailing tomorrow with a few friends. It’s the last chance of the season and I really don’t want to cancel on them. Is there any chance I can talk with you sometime tomorrow about what I will miss?
What? You gonna call me from the sailboat?
8. Because of my absence today, I was wondering what exactly will be on tomorrow’s quiz.
Aw, why don’t I just go ahead and take it for you? It’ll save you the trouble.
9. “I know I missed half of the classes, but receiving half the points seems a little dramatic.”
Just call me Shakespeare.
10. i am happy to be in your class and i will be a good student for you and get my work done. i have a little promble with my spelling and reading.
But other than that, you’re…?
11. THIS IS LUDICROUS !!! !!!
On your last exam I got a 62/67, wich is a 94%. That is an A by any standard But you gave me an A-!! That meant that my overall course grade was a B+ instead of the A- that I deserved. This has ruined my grade point average and possibly even my med school apps!
I DEMAND A REGRADE!
I DEMAND A REGRADE!
I DEMAND A REGRADE!
OK – YOU GOT A B+
YEP – B+ AGAIN
WOWEE! ANOTHER B+
(Oh, and 62/67 is a 92, which is an A-)
12. “I will not be able to attend class on Tuesday because a very close family friend just completely and unexpectedly died.”
As opposed to partially and predictably?
13. Well, I’ve done it again. I was focusing on my other classes this quarter and I realize I haven’t done the required assignments in your class. But you know from our conversations how well I understand the course material, and I hope you’ll pass me anyway.”
And YOU know from our conversations what the answer is.
14. “hi, i haven’t been to class since the midterm, and i was just wondering where we would be able to find the results.” (Written 13 days after the midterm exam, from the same guy who spent the first two weeks of the term golfing at a resort).
Somewhere between “you” and “flunked.”
15. “I think the candidates should emphasize on what they can do for us and our country and stop the name calling, and slenderizing towards each other.”
That’s right, McCain. Barak’s skinny enough as it is.
16. I regret to inform you that i dont think im going to be able to complete my Masters this academic year. I recently recieved my final invoice for my fees for this year and im enable to pay.
I think what you meant to say is… oh, never mind.
Somehow, these people managed to graduate, and they’re already in control!!!!!!!!!
AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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