Funny

Scattershooting, and wondering whatever happened to Blackie Sherrod

Asleep at ComputerRip van Computer
I feel like Rip van Computer.  Last weekend I finished the book I’ve been writing with Kaye, the latest Regent class, and Carrie and Kyle’s move.  I found my email inbox with a record 761 messages in them (sorry if yours was one of them – I promise I wasn’t trying to diss you.)  My Google Reader had nearly 900 entries.  But this goes much deeper and further.  For seven months I’ve been in “hunker down” mode, time- and responsibility-wise.  The clouds have parted, and the time-sun is starting to shine.  But I feel like I’ve been asleep at the keyboard.

Catch-up Stains
Right after that, prophetically, I read this story from John Fischer, reportedly from the writings of Rabbi Kushner, about a group of tourists who went on a safari in Africa and hired several native porters to carry their supplies for them. After three days, the porters announced they would have to stop and rest for a day. When the tourists asked why, the porters said they weren’t tired, “…but we have walked too far too fast and now we must wait for our souls to catch up to us.” John talked about the need to let our souls catch up, and I can relate.  It’s time for some soul work.

Resumes and Cover Letters
My son sent me his resume with a cover letter this morning for me to review.  It reminded me of the massive staff search process we have just been through.  I absolutely know how the American Idol judges feel when they do their nationwide search.  Sometime soon I’ll share with you some of the good, the bad, and the you-gotta-be-kidding-me stuff we received (with names changed to protect the laughing).

Handling Fees?
Jackie Huba just shared an experience in which she was purchasing a $50 gift certificate from her favorite day spa. (I can relate – I just did that for my wife).  As the clerk filled out the certificate, she said the total would be $51.50.   “Handling fee,” she said.  When asked what kind of handling was involved, she said (with a straight face, I suppose), “Writing out the certificate,” she said. “It’s labor-intensive.”

I’m not sure whether to laugh, cry, get mad, or get inspired.   We all know about the airlines introducing fees for different things we all sort of took for granted.  Before long, I suppose, we’ll see all kind of new fees for “labor-intensive” or “optional” services: [click to continue…]

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Hanukkuh Hams – Ladies’ Room Edition

by Andy Wood on July 17, 2008

in 100 Words

Toilet Restroom Sign

Here’s what happens when “public servants” invade the local ladies’ room.

Hey, rules are rules…

Somewhere there is a bureaucrat, who takes us all for fools,

And has a bit of brainlessness interpreting the rules.

He thinks that women everywhere would certainly be blessed

To see their neighbor face-to-face when they sit down to “rest.”

This gives new meaning to the phrase we men think sounds so wrong:

“I’m going to the ladies’ room, you want to come along?”

So if Point Loma, California is your local town,

I’d tell them this is something that you won’t take sitting down!

(photo by  kinpatsu, taken inside an Ace Hardware Store in Point Loma, CA)


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Smells Like Birthday Cake

by Andy Wood on July 4, 2008

in Spoofs

Our buddy Tim Hawkins is back with a new video spoof.  If you haven’t seen Cletus Take the Reel, check it out (it’s still my favorite).

This one’s of Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” – only this time it’s at a kids birthday party.  Every parent who’s ever hosted one or every kid who’s ever had one can relate.  (By the way, Cletus fans – look for his cameo appearance.)  Enjoy!

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Stupid ElectricChallenging times call for fresh, intelligent ideas!

You won’t find any here.

What you will find is the latest collection of Hanukkah Hams – episodes of brilliance on the Blooper Reel of Life.

The last edition focused on life behind the wheel.  This one’s dedicated to power.  Electric power.  Human power.  Kangaroo Power.  Hang on, there’s something for everybody.

Starting with this clever photographed solution to every man’s summertime dilemma – how to get your George Foreman Grill to work inside your above-ground swimming pool.  God forbid you have to actually step over the three-foot side and cook your burger on dry land.  Where’s the challenge in that?

[click to continue…]

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Try to Get This Song Out of Your Head

by Andy Wood on April 25, 2008

in Uncategorized

Okay, so the guys at SynerJACK are talking about stress this week, and I just vomited out of my journal from a couple of years ago.  (It’s ugly… you probably don’t want to read it.)

But I found a real stress reliever video.  Supposedly it’s from an old Girl Scout song, but it made its way into a Discovery Channel commercial.  If you need a happy reminder that God and life and the world are good, watch this.

If you want to irritate somebody by putting a happy little song in their head that’s hard to get rid of, forward this to somebody else.

And the next time you’re pumping gas, remember… [click to continue…]

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billboard.jpgHave you ever wished God would just make it easy?  That He would fly over your house in a blimp, or sky-write His will so that it was plain and obvious?  Have you ever envied the angel-set – those seemingly lucky (ahem – “blessed”) souls who had Michael or Gabriel drop by for tea and prophecy? 

A few years ago somebody in Jacksonville (I think) started a nationwide conversation with a series of billboard messages supposedly from God.  I’m sure you’ve seen some of them. (Example: “Which part of  ‘Thou Shalt Not’ do you not understand?” -God).  They were clever, sometimes convicting, sometimes sarcastic and funny.  But in case you were wondering, it really wasn’t God Himself who designed the ad campaign.

What if God really did rent a billboard?  Would it be easier, simpler, clearer to hear His voice?  I doubt it.

[click to continue…]

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car-overload.jpgNobody gets anywhere without ideas. And nobody gets it right 100% of the time. So sometimes we take risks, try things, and hindsight tells us we were geniuses. Sometimes, things just don’t work. But sometimes we score a Hanukkah Ham – one of those choice decisions that qualify us for the Blooper Reel of Life.

This edition of Hanukkah Hams is devoted to life behind the wheel – the things you see, the things you say, and the things you do. Yeah, we’ve all been there. And it seemed like a good idea at the time.

A couple of weeks ago I got to my local teaching assignment at Wayland Baptist University a bit early, and proud to get a close parking place. Just before class was to start, one of the staff members comes in saying he couldn’t find the owner of “that truck.”

Has your sinkin’ heart ever told on you?

[click to continue…]

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TreadmillI hate maintenance.  This is in defiance to everything my father faithfully tried to instill in me.  I want the dishes to morph into the dishwasher, the oil to change itself, and the lawn to live, but not grow.  So you can imagine how thrilled I was to get a reminder in the mail that I had an appointment with a treadmill, about 11 electrodes, and a sadistic nurse with a razor and sandpaper.  “Stress EKG.”  Ha!  I don’ need no stinkin’ treadmill to tell me I got stress.

It’s not about the treadmill, mind you.  I get on one about five times a year, whether I need to or not.  It’s about getting on the treadmill at the doctor’s office when I haven’t been on one at the gym in a while.  I needed some time to work out before the exam so the exam wouldn’t make me look like I hadn’t been working out.  Sort of like cleaning the house before the house cleaner comes.

[click to continue…]

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Cletus Take the Reel

by Andy Wood on December 23, 2007

in Spoofs

I found this link on Josh Harris’ blog site to “Cletus Take the Reel” – a spoof on Carrie Underwood’s hit song.  I had never heard of Tim Hawkins before, but he’s hilarious.

If you’re in the South Plains (Texas) area, Tim will be here in January.

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Hanukkah HamSeth Godin shared this head-turning picture taken at a market in Greenwich Village. Here’s an idea sure to get somebody a promotion – Hanukkah ham! Seth’s comment: “Sometimes a little knowledge isn’t such a good thing.”

Where would we be without ideas? And where would the good ideas be without a few Hanukkah hams thrown in for good measure? Pets.com, New Coke, Volkswagon’s “Thing” and ketchup-flavored potato chips come to mind. Seemed like good ideas to somebody at the time.

Years ago Mad Magazine did a list of ad slogans that never quite made it to TV. Things like: [click to continue…]

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