I was going to write something about America or the lost art of Independence or something like that today.  Then I heard that Andy Griffith died.  What – or who – could be more quintessentially American than that?

Andy and his neighbors in Mayberry came into our home weekly when I was a kid – and daily through syndication for years after that.  And there was a reason.  Yes, he served as a reminder of a simpler time.  After all, can you imagine anybody but Opie having a secret password – much less a dozen of them?  But he also reminded us of the values and wisdom we’re capable of, even today.

Nobody ever actually lived in Mayberry.  Yet vicariously millions of us have.  There wisdom wasn’t reserved for ivory tower elitists or political think tanks.  Lifetime lessons were readily available from places like the Sheriff’s office, Floyd’s Barber Shop, or Gomer and Goober’s Service Station.  The cast of characters, always good for a laugh at ourselves, also reminded us of somebody we knew.

Everything I ever needed to know, I could have learned in Mayberry.  So could you.  Here’s just a sampling… [click to continue…]


Hanukkah Hams: Game Warden Edition

by Andy Wood on November 20, 2009

in Gamblers, LV Alter-egos

HuntingTomorrow gun season begins for deer hunters in my home state.  And what better way to celebrate than with another round of Hanukkah Hams!  In case you’ve missed previous editions, allow me to explain.  Hanukkah Hams are glorious acts of intelligence-gone-south.  Ideas that seemed to make perfectly good sense at the time, but leave you asking, “Huh?  What was I thinking?

In honor of my shotgun-totin’ four wheelin’ Bambi-chaser friends in Alabama and beyond, this edition of Hanukkah Hams takes to the woods or the marshes, the fields and even the lakes to remind you – the Second Amendment protects your right to bear arms.  But thousands of other laws exist to protect the deer, the antelope, and apparently every other known species known to man.

And frankly, all of this gets confusing.  I mean, really, did you actually read all those regulations when you got your license?  I just look for the dates when the shells and fur can start flying.

What’s more, everything varies from state to state, and even region to region.  So we here at the Hanukkah Hams Research Institute sought the help of a recognized expert.

Couldn’t find one of those.

So we checked with local Game Warden Burney Fife, who seemed to have a surprising amount of knowledge on the subject.  Here’s an excerpt from our interview: [click to continue…]


Crime“Thank you for calling Killinger, Meeks, and Nowlin.  This is Brenda.  How may I direct your call?”

“Hi, Brenda, this is Andy.  I need an attorney.  I’ve been busted.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, sir, but I’m sure we can help.  KillMeNow specializes in not being picky at all in who we represent.”

“Uh, thanks, I think.”

“So I can assist you further, can you tell me why you’re behind bars?”

“Well, it’s sort of embarrassing. [click to continue…]