I will give the lonely a reason to believe in companionship again.
And in so doing, I will banish loneliness from my own heart forever.
-from The Encourager’s Creed
Somewhere near you is an Eeyore in Tigger’s clothing. They’re bouncy, flouncy, trouncy, pouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun on the outside. But on the inside they’re desperately alone and resigned to eating thistles. And you can make a difference.
There is somebody not far away who is adored for all they do and have to offer. They have no shortage of attention, compliments, and outright praise. Yet for all the attention and admiration they receive, they are profoundly lonely. Why? Because while many people are amazed by them, nobody seems to understand them. But you can.
It’s the chameleon of the emotional world. It blends seamlessly into any environment, and play-acts with the best of the cons. It can empower anybody to be hysterically funny in order to disguise the depression and isolation. It can offer wisdom or encouragement or insight to anybody else, but receives precious little in return. It can mimic the language of the spiritual, with talk of solitude and prayer and hearing God – yet all the while it disguises a relational wasteland. But you can (and should) break through all that.
Loneliness. Ever since Eve and her husband were evicted from their first home, something in us has ached with a longing for companionship and deep connection. We want to know we are searched (understood) thoroughly, known intimately, and loved unconditionally. We look for it in a lot of places – in marriage, in sexual encounters, in church world, in friendships, and in popularity, just to name a few. But despite the finest of intentions, no one human on the planet can fill the tank left empty in the wake of our Fall from God. And that’s violently discouraging. But you can help.
Like a small leak that sinks a big ship over time, loneliness can go undetected for long periods. All the while, the lower decks of our emotional world are taking on more than we were meant to handle. And they fill our minds with words like “nobody,” “worthless,” and “alone.” But you can be the reason the lonely choose to believe again. To reach up and out again. To connect again.
If you’re tempted to write this off as a dispatch to the really gifted people or an idea for somebody else’s job description, think again. Encouragement is everybody’s opportunity and everybody’s job. You may not be the answer to everybody’s loneliness, but you are the answer to somebody’s. The words “one another” fly off the pages of the Bible too often to be aimed at specialists or professionals. You qualify.
Walk through the stories of Christ’s appearances after His resurrection. In one, he sends Mary back with a message for the disciples – “Meet me in Galilee.” To a group of people on the way to Emmaus, He shows up as a traveling companion. To the disciples He cooks fish for breakfast after they’ve fished all night and caught nothing. I find it interesting that before He ever sent them on a mission, He showed up to confront the loneliness inherent in their sorrow. Now He sends us to do the same. Here are some ways to get started:
1. Initiate contact.
If loneliness made people logical, then when they felt lonely, they would pick up the phone, write the email, or knock on the door. But loneliness can make people stupid. Or at least push them further into a cave of their own making. If you want to make somebody believe in companionship again, you need to be the one initiating the companionship. Establish a connection with them. Call them out. Don’t take no for an answer. One day it may be you on the receiving end of that.
2. Listen to understand.
The greatest need of a lonely person is to feel understood on a deep level. And they’ll never believe you understand them if you never give them a chance to tell their story. Listen. Long. Hard. Focused. Not to formulate your sage answers. Not to think of a clever reply. Not to identify which Bible verse to give them. Listen to enter into their world on a soul level… how they think, how they feel, what they want. It doesn’t matter if you approve or not. What matters is whether they feel safe enough to let you enter their world, and they’ll never do it if you don’t shut up and listen. There’ll be time to talk later.
3. Lengthen your time horizon.
You’re probably more bound to a do-it-now culture than you care to admit. Most of us want to approach somebody else’s problem like we approach a vending machine. Let’s find a few bottled words of advice or canned feelgood, apply generously, and fix the problem. But if you want to truly make the lonely believe in companionship again, you must first be a companion. And companionship is a marathon, not a 15-minute segment with Doctor You. Loneliness doesn’t show up overnight, and it won’t go away overnight.
4. Widen your schedule.
Yeah, I know life gets busy. I know you hate interruptions. I know that all those text messages and emails you get are vitally important, and you have stuff to do. But if while you’re saying, “I’m here for you, Buddy,” your nonverbal communication is saying, “I don’t have time,” then the message you are sending is, “My body is here but my heart and head are somewhere else.” Be interruptible. Be willing to make time for somebody else in need.
5. Acknowledge your limitations.
Please don’t miss what I said earlier. No one human on the planet can fill the tank left empty in the wake of our Fall from God. Your love for the lonely will want to prove me wrong. You’ll be tempted to try to fix it. Hear me: You can’t be God for them. You can offer His love, extend His grace, demonstrate His power, and display His life. But you can’t fill the hole in somebody else’s heart. That’s His job. Your job is to give new courage to someone to reach out in faith to Him. And for the lonely, the way to do that is to show them that there really is a love that will not let them go – and you have it.
+++++++
In all of this, you have yet to (necessarily) say the first word. Just listen. Just be there. The strange irony in dealing with loneliness – yours or somebody else’s – is that words are always optional. Well-chosen, they’re nice. But sometimes the best thing you can say is nothing at all – just demonstrate again and again… “I am here for you.”
Time and eternity await the verdict of how many people were just about to quit until they connected with you. Who knows how many lives you can touch, just by showing up and staying? Just by being there. Please… give the lonely a reason to believe in companionship again. When you do, you truly will banish loneliness from your own heart… forever.