10 Sure-fire Bestsellers I Would Love to Write

by Andy Wood on May 24, 2009

in Half-baked Ideas, Spoofs

writer-21Lately a couple of popular blog sites have created fun lists of books they’re “thinking about writing” or “anti-essential Christian books.”  Titles include Everyone Is Going To Hell Except Me (John MacArthur),  Gods Most Glorified When Were Most Calvinified in Him (John Piper), Right Behind a fresh set of Apocalyptic chronicles (Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins), 2009 Reasons Jesus Probably Wont Return in 2009,  Twilight:  the Christian Version, and Angels and Deacons.  I’ll give you a summary of my favorites below.

But all this has got me thinking.  A lot!  Here are 10 books I’d love to write.  So many ideas, so little time….

hannakuh-hamHanukkah Hams – and Other Strokes of Genius. Inspired by the true story of the ill-advised suggestion of ham for Hannukkah, this book will celebrate true stories of a little bit o’ knowledge going a wrong way.  I’ve already started that one here, here, and here.

How to Win, Be Thin, and Feel Good when you Sin – and other Dumb Ideas. The ultimate combination of self help, diet, and pop/victim psychology in one volume.  Sure to be a classic.

meek-manMild at Heart. Help for men whose idea of “roughing it” is a hotel without wireless Internet or leaving your nail file at home.

Dumb and Dumber Go to Church. Inspired by the Jim and Casper book, this will actually do two things – review current worship service experiences and remind people that crazy ideas and people are as old as the early church itself.

Why I Preach that the Bible is Literally True (But That You Can’t Experience Its Truth). A rewrite of Dr. Criswell’s classic little volume, with the strange, but popular explanation that miracles and the supernatural happened back then, but can’t happen today because we have the Bible instead.

notmyjob100 Jobs You’ll Never See on a Resume. We’ve all done our share of grunt work, gross work, and other claims to non-fame.  We’ve also had some things on our job descriptions that we’d just as soon forget.  This book reminds us all that SOMEBODY has to scrape the boogers off the men’s room wall or the dead armadillos, skunks or possums off the road.

101 Things I’m Glad the Bible Didn’t Say. Example:  “And He called a theologian to Himself and set him before them, and said, “‘Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become theologians, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.'”

The Do-it-yourself Cliché Generator for Preachers, Politicians, Conference Speakers, and Business Leaders. This handy little system will help you be intentional about thinking outside the box and take it to the next level in having a conversation about developing a missional vision of delivering superior customer service for the millennial generation.

100 Things that are a Complete Waste of Time (But Somebody’ll Probably Try it Anyway). This includes such fabulous ideas as holding in your stomach while you’re standing on the scales, talking to your husband while the TV is on, or bipartisan Congressional activity on anything other than voting themselves a raise.

And Behold, It Was Leah (Hysterically Funny Things in the Bible). Yes, God has a sense of humor, even if many of us don’t.  And with a touch of imagination and understanding, you would be amazed at how funny people can be without realizing it or intending to.  Why should God’s word be any exception?

Honorable Mentions that are Still on the Drawing Board

Here are a few that are still in their conceptual stages.  Or, they just sound funny.

The Shank. God shows up as a Driver with two friends, Chipper and Putz, to help make sense of the fact that no matter where we aim, we miss badly.

Inside the Resolution. A riveting history of motions and “be it therefore resolveds” at the Southern Baptist Convention.

90 Minutes in Purgatory Traffic. I dreamed I was in hell, but it was actually driving through Lubbock’s (or pick your city’s) traffic lights and crazy drivers.

Hillbilly on my Radio, but Hillsongs in My Church. Why NOBODY wants to worship to a steel guitar or a fiddle, even though it’s the most popular music in America.  Still on the drawing boad because I haven’t figured out the answer to that yet.

Hireproof. The spellbinding story of a human resources director who is laid off by his boss-wife-employer during the recession.  He must learn the meaning of forgiveness while he looks for another job (all the while wanting to look for another wife).

Lonely as a Good Man on the Lifetime Movie Network. ‘Nuf said.

I Kissed Baiting Good-bye. How a man gave away his fish and tackle store and went into full-time evangelism.

Saddleback Mountain. The story of two famous Reform pastors who meet regularly at a place of special memories to face the undeniable, unthinkable secret truth – they adore Rick Warren.

American Idolatry. Yes, You CAN be a Goddess on Your Wedding Day.  No, you CAN’T get any of that money back.

Favorite Ideas from Other Places

These came from Michael Spencer’s post here, his long list of often-hilarious comments, Eugene Cho’s post here, and John Shore’s “My Breakfast With My Christian Book Agent” here.  Counting down my top 20 favorites…

20.  The Unstudied Study Bible.

19.  The Lakeland Survival – How To Get Healed After Getting Your Tumors Kicked Out of You.

18.  How I Kissed My Purpose Driven Jabez Prayer Goodbye.

17.  God’s Most Glorified When We’re Most Calvinified in Him, by John Piper

16.  Tomato Soup for the Fundamentalist Christian Vegetarian’s Soul: Heartburning and Truly Annoying Stories about Always Being Right (These stories were rejected from The Chicken Soup series.

15.  The New Children’s Instant Obedience Study Bible.  Changes “Thus saith the Lord” to “Simon says.”

14.  Jesus Wants You Rich! And Driving A Porsche! With Two Hot Blondes Inside! A basic guide to American approaches to discipleship.

13. You Can Kiss Dating My Daughter Goodbye, by Joshua Harris, Sr.

12.  Right Behind: A Companion Series to the ‘Left Behind’ Series. An absolute must for your library if you want to display the whole Behind.

11.  Angels and Deacons: A story of the struggle that goes on between good pastors and bad church leaders, featuring a full examination of the strange, cryptic, symbolic things deacons say in their meetings, like “Someone needs to go by the nursing home” and “Who keeps taking my pencils?”

10.  The Omega Toad.  A Special Forces team of Messianic Jews breaks into an underground compound beneath the Vatican, where they use secret Bible codes and a laptop computer to trigger a worldwide plague of flesh-eating frogs.

9.  Twilight: The Christian Version. Christian vampires in Arkansas have been living peacefully in their out-of-the-way compound until one of them starts a CCM group and falls for a groupie. Lots of scenes of the young lady admiring her vampire boyfriend’s ESV Study Bible and protecting her from liberal Methodists.

8.  The Hair of Jabez – Man discovers obscure OT reference to Levitical hair standards. Makes millions off book and theme-related shampoos, conditioners and mousse, along with a chain of beauty salons.

7.  The Shaq. All about Shaquille O’Neal! Only from a Christian point of view! You know: He’s the center of his team; God should be the center of our team. Shaq misses a lot of free throws; we sometimes miss the collection plate when we try to throw our change in it. A lot of their time in a game is spent sitting on wooden benches; a lot of our time in church is spent sitting onwooden benches. There’s all kinds of parallels like that!

6.  The 5 Loathe Languages: The Different Ways Men and Women Hate Each Other, by Gary Chapman.

5.  I’m Sick Of All This Purpose Driven Crap. (“If you don’t get this, I can’t help you.”)

4.  The Snack. The story of a man who receives a message from God in a Little Debbie oatmeal cake and is told by God to meet him at the Montgomery Biscuits’ stadium for a weekend series. There God appears to him as an umpire, a vendor and a little kid who keeps kicking his seat.

3.   How to Sell Your Surplus Spiritual Gifts on E-Bay. A must-read how-to book on making money from your unwanted spiritual gifts on E-Bay.

2.  Saving Ryan’s Privates.  Convincing a young soldier through Scripture to not have a sex change operation.

1.  The Porpoise-Driven Life.

Don’t know how I can add to the video below.  Feel free to suggest your own titles in the comments.

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