How to Make Turkey Nuts

by Andy Wood on November 18, 2013

in Spoofs

Turkey NutsDecember 1944.  The 101st Airborne, under the command of General Anthony McAuliffe, held the little town of Bastogne, Belgium, “at all costs” under siege by the German army.  On the morning of December 22, four Germans came up the road carrying a white flag.  Everybody hoped they were offering to surrender. Instead, they presented an ultimatum from the German commander:  “the honorable surrender of the encircled town.”

McAuliffe glanced at the message and said, “Aw, nuts!”

A sergeant sent the one-word reply and the rest is profound military history.

What we didn’t know until today is that McAuliffe was actually saying he missed those mixed nuts his mama used to make and have out for all the company at Christmas time.

That’s the power of Turkey Nuts®, friends.  They can change history.  (Or at least try to rewrite it.)

And now, for the first time ever, the LifeVesting Culinary Institute is making available our own patented recipe.  And because this information is so potentially beneficial to you, we are offering it as investment in your health, absolutely free of charge.

You’re welcome.

Why So Nuts for Nuts?

It isn’t just that they’re conveniently available around the holidays because of harvests and all that.  Eating nuts is part of a heart-healthy diet. Even the esteemed Mayo Clinic is nuts for nuts:

People who eat nuts as part of a heart-healthy diet can lower the LDL, low-density lipoprotein or “bad,” cholesterol level in their blood. High LDL is one of the primary causes of heart disease…. Eating nuts reduces your risk of developing blood clots that can cause a fatal heart attack. Nuts also improve the health of the lining of your arteries.

The other cool thing is that, while they vary a bit, just about any nuts will do. Even peanuts. Even though peanuts aren’t technically a nut – they’re a legume.  And to all my friends in Peanut Country, this recipe doesn’t technically have peanuts in them, but they can easily be added or substituted.

Not so for coconuts, which are also not a nut, but a fruit. Nor do they have any of the same type of health benefits. Which is good in the long run, because who wants to be munching away on nuts and have to chew through something with the texture of bad hair? Just sayin’.

Those of you who still get misty-eyed at Christmas time over those sentimental songs will be pleased to know that “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire,” while not technically a part of this recipe, have the lowest calorie count of all the nuts. What you may not know is that the original line to the Christmas Song had Mel Torme singing, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Low’ring my cholesterol…”

Apparently the producers had other ideas.

The Patented Turkey Nuts® Recipe

Okay, without further ado, here’s how to make Turkey Nuts:


12 oz Pecan Halves

10.5 oz Walnut Halves & Pieces

8oz. Soy Nuts

10 oz Salted Sunflower Seed Kernels

9 oz Seasoned Deluxe Nut mix

10.5 oz Whole Almonds, unsalted

9 oz Salted Cashews

7 oz Natural Sliced Almonds, unsalted

8 oz Roasted Peanuts (salted or unsalted – optional)

8 oz Chestnuts (optional – roasting on an open fire unnecessary)

1 12-oz Bottle of Vicks NyQuil®

1 Large Padded Mailing Envelope or Small Box


1.  Combine all the nuts into a very large bowl and mix thoroughly.

2.  Place a smaller quantity into a decorative bowl with a lid. Store the remaining mix for later use.

3.  Break the seal on the NyQuil bottle and remove the little plastic cup.

4.  Place the NyQuil into the padded mailing envelope or small box.  Then mail it back to Procter and Gamble, 1 Procter and Gamble Plaza, Cincinnati, OH  45202.  Include a note requesting that they go back to making the old recipe NyQuil, 50-proof, with Sudafed in it.  Sign it, President Obama. He won’t mind.  He’ll think it’s funny.

5.  Place the little cup in the top of your decorative container to help measure single servings of Turkey Nuts®.  This is for portion control, and it’s very important. While you will be tempted to eat fistfuls of the nuts, that would be way too many calories.  So for health purposes, you get two little cups of this tasty treasure a day, and that’s it.

Where Did Turkey Nuts® Get Their Name?

You may assume they’re called Turkey Nuts because it’s near Thanksgiving and Christmas – times when turkeys typically run for cover.  But truth be told, the name comes from an embarrassingly misplaced comma – or actually the lack of one.  You can see it here where I talk about being on a treadmill and eating “turkey nuts and spinach.”

Coulda Woulda Shoulda written, “turkey, nuts, and spinach” (Oxford comma included).

What? You thought it was something else?

Anyway, what better name could you give to the convergence of a bunch of otherwise-healthy, fat-laced nuts?

Hey! Who said, “Congress?”

To your health, friends.

Martha Orlando November 18, 2013 at 5:21 pm

I said Congress! 🙂
This recipe sounds great, Andy. I’ll fix some for the Thanksgiving crowd for sure. I love nuts, too. Oh, and does peanut butter help in cutting cholesterol? Just checking because I usually have my “kid” lunch once a week.
Martha Orlando´s last blog post ..Time of Uncertainty

Andy Wood November 18, 2013 at 6:23 pm

As a matter of fact, my Georgia friend, it does! Helps prevent Type II diabetes and lower blood sugar as well (wish I’d known that years ago). The key is eating two tablespoons a day. 🙂

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