Funny

Help! I’ve Been Blindsided by Obamacar!

by Andy Wood on November 6, 2013

in Conversations, Spoofs

Cuban CarThank you for calling the Affordable Car Administration.  This is Brenda, how may I direct your call?

Hi Brenda, this is An… Hey, you sound familiar.  Didn’t I talk to you about needing an attorney because I left my keys in the car?

Why yes, I believe you did!  Mr. Wood, is it?

Yeah, that’s me.  And then you were at that firm looking for heroes or something?

Quite correct, sir.  Unfortunately that didn’t work out so well.

Why’s that?

The recession. All our heroes were unemployed, so they signed up for government work.

And the attorneys?

The same.  You know that they say… “The best place for an out-of-work lawyer is in making more laws for all of us to enjoy!”

Well I’m glad to hear a familiar voice there, Brenda.  I’m in a world of hurt. I just got this notice in the mail that says, “Your current vehicle is being discontinued as of January 1.” Then I’m supposed to purchase a new one that meets the minimum requirements of the ACA?

Well congratulations are certainly in order, sir! I know you’re going to enjoy driving your new automobile. [click to continue…]

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inflated gloveThe stress you feel is proportional to the amount of control you have over a situation.

That sounds very intuitive, but there’s a spiritual contradiction to that.  More on that in a minute.

Here’s an example of how that idea works out in the natural.  A month ago I go to the doctor and he says my lipid levels are high.  I roll my eyes and say, “same old same old.” I don’t get stressed about it because there is something I can do to correct it.  Anyway, I’ve been hearing that for 30 years.

When he sends me for another test and I find out my heart calcium score is high, almost in the danger zone, again, the first thing I do is look for something I can do about it, because I have a steadfast belief that I can do something about it.  So I’m motivated, but not stressed.

Same thing goes, even when I’m told I’m a Type II diabetic because of my lifestyle choices in the past.  Well, crud.  But I can do something about that by making different choices (and by the way I am making different choices and seeing wonderful results).

But when the doctor says I have a narrowing in the arteries at the top of my heart and he “wants to take a look at it” with an angiogram, and oh, by the way, if there is a significant enough blockage he may put a stint in it, suddenly he has crossed the line of my control.

Hello stress. [click to continue…]

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Train DerailCongratulations on your purchase of Leaderail® – the all-in-one resource designed to completely undermine your influence and effectiveness as a leader.  Whether you purchased the CEO Golden Parachute Edition, the One-Term-in-Office Plan, or the 90-day Let’s-Get-This-Over-With Formula, you’re sure to be pleased with the results.  Soon you’ll be free to search for other opportunities for employment or service without the cumbersome distraction of someone else looking to you for guidance or vision.

Each component in the Leaderail® package sells separately and functions as an independent module.  However, when used in combination with other components, we are confident that you will see twice the results in half the time.

You’ll want to read the instruction manual for full details on putting the Leaderail® system into practice.  This document is meant just to introduce you to your Leaderail® package contents. [click to continue…]

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Say Good-bye To Your Frog Mummy

by Andy Wood on March 18, 2013

in 100 Words, Photos

Dendelions

What a wondrous time… when in a matter of days winter’s chill …

Winter Chill

Gives way to the life and hope of spring. [click to continue…]

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hersheykisses

Economics doesn’t have to be difficult.  Just ask my three-year-old grandson…

Understanding Liberalism (True Story)

Cohen:  Papa can I have a treat?

Papa:  What do you want? [click to continue…]

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Man  and his dog reading newspaperIt was one of the early flashes of her wicked-strong sense of humor.  I was taking the twins to school during their sixth grade year.  We passed by the big-chain hotel on South Loop 289 when all of a sudden I heard Carrie bust out laughing from the back.

What was so funny?

The welcome sign at the hotel read, “Welcome Pest Control.”  Obviously it was some kind of meeting of some organization in that industry.  But I’m not sure that’s what you want to trumpet to the rest of the potential guests.

“I’ve heard of roach motels before,” she said, “but they must be desperate.”

+++++++

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago.  [click to continue…]

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It’s TaB, Baby!

by Andy Wood on February 13, 2013

in 100 Words, Photos

TaB

It’s hard to explain to a Diet Coke fan
Or a four-wheel-drive, six-pack and Marlboro man,
But I still get my kicks from a little pink can –
It’s TaB, baby.  Yeah, it’s TaB.
[click to continue…]

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Egg on faceIt’s a new year, and with it comes new opportunities for all of us to contribute to the blooper reel of life.  Yes, friends, your wait is over – it’s time for another edition of Hanukkah Hams.

Not Hanukkah.  Pretty sure that’s done.  Hanukkah Hams.

If you’re new to all this, let me catch you up.  A Hanukkah Ham, inspired by that all-too-famous Greenwich Village grocer who suggested a ham would be a great addition to anyone’s Hanukkah celebration, is whenever really smart people do really dumb things.

Or when really not-so-smart people do really dumber things.

Past editions have explored regulations for the ladies’ room in a town in California, student life, airline travel, and money, to name a few.  Do a search for Hanukkah Hams here and you’ll find the whole bunch.

So.  This edition is dedicated to the really dopey things we do when no one else is around.  And we’re really grateful that nobody was around to see it.

Yeah… I see that memory already starting to form in your mind.  But I’m letting you off the hook.  Today the pork’s all on me. [click to continue…]

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Strike up the band celebrity endorsements, hang those chads, and God bless the United States of America!  It’s that time again!  Voters in many parts of the country are already heading to the polls to vote early for the upcoming election, and the turn-off (um, I mean turnout) is high!

What better way to remind you that these are humans, not just 8 x 10 glossies, than with another round of Hanukkah Hams?

Since it’s been a while, let me give you the talking points on what a Hanukkah Ham is.  Named in honor of somebody who suggested that his Greenwich Village Jewish customers would love a big ham for their next Hanukkah celebration, a Hanukkah Ham is a really bad (translation:  stupid) idea concocted by usually really smart people.

Previous Hanukkah Ham stories have explored the worlds of  electricity, money, college life, Christmas, air travel and hunting, to name a few.

But with so many words flying these days, what could invite more people to ask, “Did he just say that?” than political races across the country?  Ever since I heard Philip Johns promise to get grits au gratin taken off the lunchroom menu in seventh grade, and Richard Tyson promised to build a student center in ninth, I’ve heard people running for office – any office – say some pretty outlandish things.  I guess it just comes with the territory. [click to continue…]

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Heh heh heh…  You’re gonna know I’m not smart enough to make this up…

They’re trailblazers, I tell ya’.  They’re not about to let a coupla’ Johnny-Come-Lately’s (or Shepherd or Cason or Fischer-Come-Lately’s either) get the drop on them.  No sir. They’re the first-born, by George, and they’re assuming their rightful place on the family frontier.

Um… except that maybe that family frontier may have a few unexpected twists and turns. [click to continue…]

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